Sleep? I don't need no stinkin' sleep. Hey, what can I say? Another sappy song story and a couple more obligatory plot devices. I’ll let you guess which ones. The sappy song is “Possession” by Sarah Mclachlan. Sorry, but I was blocked on a name for this one.
 

Killing Hope
by Moi
 

**Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
The night is my companion, and solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here, and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one...**
 

Kathryn gazed down at the hazy blue and green planet beneath them. Thirty six hours into a proposed fourteen day stay, everything was going remarkably well. B’Elanna would have time to tend several systems that were badly in need of overhaul. The Simnolins were friendly, reasonable and willing to trade. The situation was beneficial for all involved. Yet, something still bothered her.  If she were honest with herself she would admit that it was the planet itself. It strongly reminded her of another, and of just how far they *hadn’t* come in the years since.

Straightening herself away from the window, and the lush orb beneath them, she moved toward her replicator. “Come.”

Chakotay stood, momentarily silhouetted in the doorway. The light from the corridor cut a path into her dim quarters and quickly retreated. Chakotay entered slowly, curiosity in his gaze. It was 1730, well ahead of shipboard nightside.

“Headache,” she offered an explanation. “Can I get you something?”

“Not thanks,” he said. “It’s probably tension. You were in those trade meetings all day. If you like, I could whip up one of the Delta Quadrant’s Favorite-First-Officer’s patented stress-relieving back rubs.”

“Rain check,” she begged off, with a small smile. Then, pointing to the PADD he held. “Something for me?”

Chakotay’s lips twisted thoughtfully as he handed her the PADD. He stood relaxed, hands behind his back, as she read. A mischievous grin lit his features as her gaze reached a section halfway into the list.

“Chakotay...I..”

“This is familiar,” he interrupted.

“And it bears repeating. I don’t have time for shoreleave.”

“Why  not?” he countered. “*I* took time, even Tuvok. Why can’t you?”

“There’s so much to do. Engineering could use my help, and if the Simnolins...”

“Sorry, Kathryn. I’ve come prepared. If you’ll read section number 2a, the EMH...”

Kathryn’s eyes quickly scanned the document. It was right there. She’d been outfoxed, cornered. She hated being cornered. “I see you have me scheduled for two days shore leave, effective tomorrow at 0800. I’d like to reschedule.”

Chakotay’s face fell, but he quickly recovered. “Fine.” Taking the PADD, he began to tape in the necessary commands to alter the document. “When would you like to take it? I can reschedule to whatever is convenient. I thought a visit to the singing falls would...”

“No, don’t let me interfere with your plans. Besides, I hear Princess Saveyna has a thing for you.”

Chakotay’s initial response was to laugh, but then he looked up and saw her expression. She was serious.

The PADD fell to his side, forgotten. “Kathryn?” he looked at her in askance. “I thought...”

She felt as if the room were closing in; the pain of her headache had increased ten fold. “You should do it, Chakotay. Enjoy yourself.” No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, the words had come out haltingly.

Chakotay gave her a long look, and then moved beyond her, toward the view window. “Have you noticed how like New Earth it is?” He asked over his shoulder, holding her gaze for several moments, before turning back to the window. “They are even small primates like your little friend. I thought that if we --”

“No.” Kathryn cut him off, fighting the wash of memories that even the name they’d called it by brought up. “New Earth was a long time ago, Chakotay. It’s best to leave it in the past.”

“Why?” Chakotay stepped toward her, stood very close.

“Because it represents something that can’t be. It denies the reality of our situation.”

Chakotay blinked, genuinely hurt. “Look. Kathryn. If this is about shore leave...”

“It isn’t.” Kathryn insisted. “This is something that we should have discussed a long time ago. You know that the well being of this crew is always my first priority.”

“What are you saying?”

“That I’m the captain. Any personal sacrifices I make are because I have to set the example, and do things that are in the best interest of Voyager.”

“I know all of that,” said Chakotay. “And you *are* an example to the crew. They look up to you, every one of them. But you’re also human, Kathryn.”

Kathryn stepped around him and moved back toward the window. “You’re right, this planet does reminds me of New Earth. It also reminds me that despite the distance between this world and that one, there are some things that haven’t changed.”

Chakotay almost smiled. “Some people consider consistency a good thing.”

Softly, “Only when it’s going some place.”

Chakotay cocked his head to be sure he’d heard correctly. “It isn’t?”

Kathryn turned around, tired of talking around the issue. This wasn’t like her. It was time to spell it out. She would not ask him to wait forty years. She couldn’t. “Don’t wait for me, Chakotay. I can’t offer you anything beyond friendship. Ever. Don’t ask me to.”

Kathryn felt a cold knot settle in her stomach at Chakotay’s expression.

He was quiet for a long time, and then he cleared his throat. Gazing toward the forgotten PADD, his voice a strained whisper. “Make whatever changes you want.” He placed the device on the low table, and moved almost mechanically out of the room.

Kathryn closed her eyes.
 
 

**Through this world I’ve stumbled so many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word to find, the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhyme.
My body aches to breath your breath, your words keep me alive

And I would be the one...**
 

When she opened them, a face and a pair of pucker lips appeared before her. She jumped back several feet.

“Jumpy, are we?” The entity asked, then sank onto her sofa, crossing his legs. “Honestly, that was a brutal thing you did to old Chuckles.”

“What do you want Q?” Kathryn asked, tiredly. Things were difficult enough without having to deal with this particular nuisance.

“Want? What could I possibly want from a mere mortal such as yourself. Honestly, if it were left up to me, I’d leave you to roll in your own muck and mire, but Mrs. Q suggests that I help you see the err of your ways. Completely nonsensical. I’m..”

“Q.”

“Oh all right, Miss Impatience.” Q snapped his finger, and Kathryn found herself in a small grassy clearing. At first she thought she was on  Simnolin, but then she caught a bit of beige through the trees. New Earth.

Furious, she turned in search of one soon-to-be-dead omnipotent entity.  Her fury was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps.  She turned to see a form moving from among the trees into the clearing. It was herself, dressed in a ratty old dress, carrying a basket of wild berries. Kathryn was utterly taken aback by the aura of happiness that surrounding the woman.

She wondered briefly if she try to interact. As she was standing squarely in the woman’s way, there wasn’t a lot of choice. But instead of coming to a halt. The woman walked right through her. As she did, Kathryn actually felt the lingering effects of her happiness and something else. She gasped, and immediately followed.

The woman was headed toward the shelter. Kathryn remembered this day well. She’d gone to pick some of the green berries that Chakotay liked so much. When she’d returned, Chakotay had been working in the shelter. She’d sat her berries on the counter, peeked in on him and gone back out to work with her tomatoes. Later, he’d ask her to come in and look at the boat he’d be working on. So far, things seemed to be moving along just as she’d remembered.

Chakotay was sitting at the console, and bestowed her with a quick smile, before going back to work. The woman made some comment about the monkey being the blame if half the berries were gone already, and then she went back outside.

Kathryn stuck around. Chakotay’s smile dropped slowly from his face and he raised something into the light. It wasn’t anything she remembered him having before. Curious, she took a step closer. Just as the woman had done before, he showed no indication that he’d seen her, but continued working.

Before him on a small tray was a collection of a dozen or so small colorful stones, all shaped into flat ovals. Alongside the stones was a larger oval, about half the size of her palm made of what appeared to be polished wood. He was setting the stones into the wood. Even though his work wasn’t complete, she could tell that the finished product would be beautiful. She wondered that he’d never shown it to her.

“It’s a ...” Q appeared, saying something that sounded exotic.

Kathryn gave him a hard stare, but she was too curious to hold on to it for long. “What did you say it was?”

Q gave a long suffering sigh. “Reduced to translator... It’s some Native American thing. A gesture of love and devotion, actually. Mushy huh? Well, ready to go?” Q prepared to snap his fingers.

“Wait!” Kathryn said.

“Your wish is my command, mi capitan.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “What’s the point of this, Q? Why did you bring me here?”

“Ah, but we’ve only just began, my dear Kathy. This is just loves past. Next up...”

Kathryn groaned. “Wait. Let me guess. Present and future, right?”

“Spoil sport,” Q accused. “Should have known that Dickens would blab...”

Kathryn had no time to respond as the scene around her changed, and she found herself back on Voyager. In one of the smaller jeffries tubes. Q stood wedged against her.

“Oooh, Kathy. I don’t think the missus will like this.”  Q’s brows waggled suggestively.

Kathryn jerked back, banging her elbow on a pipe that ran along the wall.  She stifled a curse. “Q...”

“It’s the sudden moves. They’ll get you every time.” Calmly ignoring her expression, he waved a hand. One corner of the tube, bordering Chakotay’s quarters, vanished.

Kathryn’s gaze riveted on the figure that huddled at the foot of his bed. As she stepped out of the tube into his quarters, she could see that he was holding something. She moved closer, stooped in front of him. He murmured something in another language over a wooden box. It was decorated with blue stones, similar to the ones she’d seen him with in the New Earth scenario.

He opened the box. A number of pieces that matched the first piece she’d seen him working on were inside. There was a necklace, barrettes and something else. He brought it out of a small pouch. She gasped. There was a flash of something gold, and something blue.

He snapped the pouch shut and placed it back into the box. Moving toward the replicator, he placed the entire box on the console. His fingers lingered, then he took a step back.  “Computer, reclaim and convert energy.”

There was a shimmer of light and the objects disappeared. “Energy reclaimed.”

Chakotay blinked back moisture. “You win Kathryn.”

The sound of Q blowing his nose interrupted. “That was just lovely.” Sniff. Sniff. “Why I could throw up or cry or something. But the best is yet to come.”

Q snapped his finger.
 

**To this night I’ve wandered to morning that I dread.
Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread.
Oh, into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride
Cause nothing stands between us here and I won’t be denied.

And I would be the one... **
 
 

Kathryn blinked into existence in the middle of her ready room. She was seated behind her desk, and a very disheveled Chakotay stood before her. Q was nowhere to be seen.

“I’m resigning my position as first officer.” She didn’t know who was more shocked, she or her counterpart.

“What?! Chakotay, you can’t be serious. I know we’ve had our troubles these past couple of months... This crew needs you. I need you.”

“No,” he cut her off. “You don’t need me, Kathryn. You don’t need any body.”

“Commander!”

“It’s just Chakotay, now. If you want, I’ll stick around, make sure the Maquis stay in line through this. But I can’t remain a Starfleet crew member any longer. Its served its purpose and now it’s done. I left that all behind me a long time ago, and for good reasons. “

Kathryn watched her counter part, she was reeling. “This doesn’t make any sense, Chakotay. You’ve served as a Starfleet officer aboard this ship for years, now. The Maquis were integrated by the end of the first year. Why did you continue, if you felt this way?”

“I wasn’t serving Starfleet, Captain, I was serving you.”

Kathryn was stunned. She settled back in her chair, struggling for a way to get a handle on the situation. “I thought you said ...”

“That I’d be there, by your side, to make your burden lighter?” Chakotay finished the statement. “I don’t know how to do that, now. I can’t support you without touching you.” He stretched his empty hands out before him, then clenched them.  Taking a deep calming breath, he continued. “These past couple of months I’ve been so off balanced I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going. I’m no good  to you or this crew.”

“That’s not true. Despite all that’s happened between us, you’ve done your job. I see no reason for this.  The day I walk out there and tell them that you bailed out on them, their hope goes in the toilet. I don’t want that to happen and I refuse to believe that you do.”

“Kathryn!” Chakotay ground out her name in frustration, closed his eyes. “I can’t be beside you every day and pretend that things are the same. I know it was my own ridiculous...hope that put me in this...”

“So don’t pretend. Listen, Chakotay, if you need some time off - I understand that. We can work it out.”

“Okay,” Chakotay sighed, seeming to force the word out. “I’d like to do a purification ceremony. I’ve tried it several times on the ship and it hasn’t worked. I’d like to take a shuttle. A week is all I should need.”

 Kathryn watched as the room altered and stretched, and her alter-ego morphed. Chakotay vanished from the room. Q still hadn’t put in an appearance.

A message came in from the bridge, her alter ego answered it.

“Captain. There is a message for you, coming in from Commander Chakotay. Shall I patch it through?”

“Go ahead.”

Kathryn could tell her alternate self was nervous. She wondered if this was the first communication since his purification had begun. The woman tapped a button in the console and took the call.

“Commander?” she questioned hopefully.

“I’m here, Captain.” The man on the viewscreen again looked like her Chakotay. He was a bit on the thin side, but he looked rested. He even smiled.

“Good,” her alter laughed, relieved. “When will you be returning?”

“Soon. ETA is about thirty minutes. How did the crew take my absence?”

“They accepted that you were on a spiritual quest, and look forward to your return. Tuvok is an excellent gatherer of rumors, I think someone is planning a little something for your return.”

Chakotay smiled at that. “I’m sorry Kathryn. I feel like I’ve betrayed you.”

“No, that should be my line. Look, I don’t know if this is worth any thing to you right now, but I couldn’t say it earlier.”

“Hold on, Kathryn, there something coming up on sensors. I’ll contact you in a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Her ego said to empty air. Just then a summons came from the bridge. There was an anomaly.

Kathryn walked through the  wall and followed the woman to the bridge. She had to resist the urge to call for status.

“There’s something coming at us, Captain. It’s moving fast.”

“What is it?” she asked. “Readings?”

“It’s a coherent tetryon beam. It’ll be on us in less than thirty seconds.”

“Is it like the beam that brought us here?” Kathryn asked.

“Very, but there are some slight differences. This one isn’t as strong, but it’ll still be a rough ride.”

“What’s the trajectory?” Kathryn asked.

Harry spouted out coordinates that encompassed a broad band of space. There was no way to get out of its path.

“Can we out run it?”

“I don’t think so, Captain. It’s moving too fast.”

“It will be upon us in 5 seconds. 4. 3.”

“All hands! Brace for impact!”

Kathryn cringed as the scene around her shifted once more. The impact didn’t come for her, but it obviously had for Voyager. There were burn marks along one wall and several consoles appeared to be in the midst of repair. A flashing indicator told her that communications was off-line.  Yet, the bridge was deserted.

She moved toward the turbo-lift, and wasn’t surprised when it opened for her. Without her commanding it, the doors shut and it proceeded...somewhere. When the doors opened again, she found herself in one of the larger meeting rooms. It looked as if the entire crew was on hand. And everyone looked so somber.

She heard her own voice speaking. It seemed that the tetryon beam had taken them back to the Alpha Quadrant. Not far from the badlands, right where they’d been picked up. There had been no casualties, save one lone human in a shuttle craft. The small vessel had been no match for the forces at work within the tetryon field. The hull had buckled and the ship split in two. They’d found Chakotay floating in space on the other side. This was his memorial service.

“Shocking isn’t it?” Q spoke at her shoulder.

Kathryn turned toward him. “Is this the future that is going to be?”

Q shrugged. “You should probably know that things get worse. You see, there’s a nasty little war and this isn’t exactly a safe place to be in a damaged ship with no communications. Se la vie.”

“How can I prevent this?” Kathryn wanted to know.

“Don’t kill hope, Captain,” Q spoke seriously. “There is a reason you are here in the Delta Quadrant - the both of you. As long as the two of you are together, the good things will happen. If you part....”

Kathryn stared at him, trying to fathom his meaning. Was it as simple as he’d said?

“So, I guess looks like you’re stuck with old Chuckles! No accounting for taste, I suppose.” Q snapped his finger and Kathryn found herself in her quarters staring out the window and a blue/green planet. Mildly disoriented, she took a step back from the window. Then the chime sounded. “Come in,” she called, distracted by what had just occurred.

Chakotay stood silhouetted in the door.

*     *     *

And I would be the one to hold you down
kiss you so hard I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears.
Just close your eyes, dear.
 

Kathryn sat on the grassy edge far above of the singing falls. The deep harmonic tones were soothing, and lended to her general feeling of peace. The sun and the man who’d kept her company also had a part.

She glanced up as Chakotay returned. She caught sight of a wooden box, quickly shoved behind his back. His expression was equal parts anxiety and joy.

He came to a stop just in front of her. “Close your eyes.”